Sometimes women who are solidly settled into a heterosexual life get surprised by having feelings of sexually charged interest, curiosity, attraction, or urges directed toward another woman. Sometimes these feelings aren’t welcome, but they wont leave either. They just stir up tormenting questions.
Am I a lesbian? Am I drawn to the person, or the gender? Is this a passing curiosity, or a permanent same-sex orientation? And what about my heterosexual life, and all the people surrounding me who have their own feelings, too?
These questions have huge implications. Your sweet, sexy feelings toward your female friend can turn your world upside down. And if you happen to have a husband and/or children, their world is going to turn over also. Its no wonder that many women struggle with these questions for years, and many back away because the costs are just too high.
But the costs of shutting yourself down are high too. Feeling resigned, resentful, cut off from your own vitality these are the feelings that eventually drive some women to say I have to be myselfas long as Im sure who myself is.
It would help if you could just find a comfortable spot on the Kinsey continuum of sexual orientation: 0 means exclusively heterosexual, 6 means exclusively homosexual, and theres lots of room in between for occasional impulses toward either gender. And in fact, many women seem to have the ability to experience sexual desire toward either gender under certain circumstances. So you could say Its not the person, its the genderunless you notice that the gender is always female. Then you may need to get honest with yourself.
So how do you start? Therapists like to say Trust your feelings. Emotions are part of our internal signaling system, alerting us to potential dangers or rewards in the environment. Feelings are accompanied by an impulse to take action. Fear of a noise behind you? Jump and run! Anger about being stepped on? Stand up! Guilt about hurting someone? Try to make amends. And a feeling of sexual attraction certainly carries an impulse to move closer.
You dont have to follow your impulses, but it would help to know what they are. And you cant make your feelings go away, any more than you can will away painful sensations when you touch a hot stove. Feelings arent good or badthey just are.
If you can practice non-judgmental curiosity with yourself, youll learn a lot more about whats going on inside and what you need to do. Non-judgmental listeners can help you too, by letting you hear yourself expressing your hidden self. Its a processit takes as long as it takes, and its worth your attention.