An excerpt from Dr Corwin’s new book Sexual Intimacy For Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples
Women and Sex: Separating Fact from Fiction
When it comes to sex, women are burdened by so many falsehoods: about how much desire we should have, how quickly we should get aroused, how much sex we should be having, how long it should take to have an orgasm…the list goes on.
It’s tragic, because these false beliefs can be limiting, even paralyzing. Women who compare themselves to fictional standards of peak sexual performance feel inadequate, which in turn lowers their sexual self-esteem and makes them avoid intimate connections. For example, I often hear women say they have a “low sex drive,” implying “lower than normal.” But do they actually know what is statistically normal? Usually not. When I tell these women what is statistically normal, they often realize that their sex drive is actually about average. This realization can bring a big boost to self-esteem, knowing There’s nothing wrong with me!
Accurate information about sex can be liberating. Energy and attention can shift away from imaginary deficits, and instead focus on positive options. Even if the truth turns out to confirm our suspicions, it’s still empowering, because knowledge can stop nonproductive rumination and confusion. From there, we can choose to take positive actions, or to let it go—but the choice is ours.
In my sexual intimacy workshops and consultations, I’ve found that there are certain beliefs about women’s desire that are very prevalent. I’ve listed them in this chapter, and addressed each one with the facts.
Some of the beliefs have to do with female desire in general, and others are specific to women in same-sex relationships. While reading this chapter, you’ll notice there is plenty of information on female sexual desire, but an unfortunate deficit of hard research about women who have sex with women. There are multiple online surveys, but it’s hard to generalize from these because the samples may be very skewed. Women who respond to online sex surveys may be different from women who don’t; for instance, they may be more interested in sex. In order to draw up-to-date conclusions about the sexual behavior of women in same sex relationships, we have to take information from old research studies and combine that with the little current evidence we have—online surveys and clinical and anecdotal information—to make some estimations. It’s not ideal, but it’s satisfactory, and for now, it’s all we have.
As you’ll see, a few of the common beliefs actually do seem to be confirmed by research evidence. But I’m betting you’ll be surprised about how many are not, and that you’ll be relieved and empowered by much of what you read here.
Fact or fiction: For women, sexual interest declines with age.
Correlations between desire and age are often misguided or simply inaccurate, and I go into this in greater detail in Chapter 6. The inaccuracy is highlighted in the results of a nationwide survey of adult sexual behavior conducted in 1994 by sociologists E.O.Lauman and colleagues from the University of Chicago [6]. In this study, a random sample of 1,749 American women, ages 18-59 (of whom about 5% described themselves as “lesbian”) were surveyed by experienced interviewers. About one-third of these women reported significant periods of having no interest in sex. When Laumann repeated this study in 2005, using a sample of 13,882 women from 29 countries, he again found that about one-third reported a lack of interest in sex. Laumann described this group as having “low sexual desire.”
So how old were the women in the “low sexual desire group”? This may be a surprise: 32 percent of the youngest women (ages 18-29) versus 27 percent of the oldest women (50-59). This finding is very consistent with my clinical experience. The majority of women who have talked to me about a lack of sexual desire have been less than forty years old. Furthermore, the women over forty who complain about lack of desire often say “I’ve always been that way.” In other words, they weren’t that interested in sex in their twenties, either.
Ideas about hormones are closely linked to age. It’s true that estrogen and testosterone are linked to physical feelings of sexual desire, and that decreases in either may correlate with decreased intensity of sexual sensations. However, the impact of that decrease has been highly overrated. Even some younger women attribute their lack of sexual interest to “low testosterone,” implying that they have no control over the situation. And some older women say they enjoy sex even more than when they were younger, because they’ve relaxed with themselves and know more about what they like.
Perhaps we need to broaden our definition of “desire.” To most women, sexual desire means more than just biological, genital-sexual urges. Many women want sexual intimacy because they like the physical closeness, the emotional connection, and the good feelings that come with a sexual experience. Older women have often had more opportunities to validate this connection between sexual and emotional intimacy. They know how sexual contact can bring partners closer, and its absence can widen the chasm between them. For these women, “sexual desire” includes the desire to repeat an experience that has been powerfully reinforcing in both physical and emotional ways. This broader understanding of desire can override the biological impact of hormonal fluctuations.
Fact or fiction: Long-term lesbian couples are less sexually active than long-term heterosexual couples.
In the ‘80s we had some solid scientific evidence that this was true—and I suspect it still is. In 1982, University of Washington sociologists Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz surveyed 22,000 American couples—straight, lesbian, and gay male—and asked how frequently they had “sex relations” with each other. Overall, Blumstein and Schwartz found that gay men were the most sexually active, followed by straight couples, and then, lastly, lesbian couples. Among couples together over two years, more than 50 percent of lesbian couples, and only 15 percent of heterosexual couples, had sex less than once a month. After living together more than 10 years, 85 percent of lesbian and 33 percent of straight couples reported sex less than once a month, if at all.
Interestingly, all couples reported a fairly similar sexual frequency in the first two years of their relationship. After that point, however, the lesbian couples’ frequency slowed down much more dramatically than that of gay male or straight couples. Sex therapist Marny Hall called this the “third year plunge” in lesbian sexual frequency—an apt phrase for a very observable phenomenon.
When Blumstein and Schwartz published their results and presented them in professional conferences, the term “lesbian bed death” was born. That infamous term is with us today, almost thirty years later, even though we don’t have current research to verify whether we’re still at the bottom of the sexual frequency list. A lot has changed in that time, in research methodology, sex, and culture. So it would be excellent if new studies could ascertain if lesbian couples still hold the low frequency record.
But unfortunately, we don’t have those studies now. All we can really do is look at research on other couples and try to get some sense of where we stand. Barry McCarthy, a psychologist and sex researcher with Washington University, estimates that about 15 percent of straight married couples have sex less than once a month. In other words, 85 percent have sex at least once a month or more. It’s hard for me to imagine that 85 percent of the lesbian couples I know are having sex at least once a month. I suspect that we still hold that low frequency record, and that it’s extremely common for lesbian couples to have sex a few times a year, or not at all.
That said, let me say one very important thing to put this in perspective: This is not a contest. The question is not “How can we beat the straight couples in bed?” but “How can we have the kind of sex lives we want?”
If this last question resonates for you, take heart. Women who want to enrich their sex lives may be especially interested in an important subgroup, the 20% of long –term lesbian partners who remain sexually active. In 2007, I conducted an online survey of sexual patterns among women who partner with women. Among the 187 respondents who had lived with a female partner at least two years, about 20% said they had sex twice a month or more; in other words, at least every week or two. For these sexually active women, sexual intimacy continues to be a vital and regular part of their ongoing relationship. When reading this and other chapters, I want you to keep this sexually active group in mind. It is a group I think a lot of women can—and would love to—join.
Fact or fiction: Sexual abuse during childhood leads to low desire in adult women.
Research evidence does not indicate that abuse causes a lack of sexual desire, and I go into more detail about this in Chapter 5. Research conducted by Cindy Meston, from the University of Texas, and Julia Heimann, the director of the Kinsey Sex Research Institute, shows no clear evidence of a simple link between sexual abuse and decreased desire. Their studies did show, however, that women who were sexually abused as children are more likely to engage in sexually risky behavior, such as having multiple partners, not protecting themselves from danger, or having hostile and anxious feelings during sex.
Unfortunately, many people—including therapists and their clients—have assumed a simple link between lack of sexual desire and childhood sexual abuse. This leads some women to say “I wonder if something happened to me that I can’t remember, because I have no sexual desire.” This belief puts women in a very helpless position. How can you work on something you can’t remember> While women who have experienced sexual trauma need support to work through it, it is a mistake to assume this is the cause of a lack of sexual desire. There’s no research data to support this idea, and it can in fact be a detour from working out sexual concerns with a partner.
It’s also very important to know that same-sex orientation is not “caused” by a traumatic event such as sexual abuse. After all, the vast majority of women who have been abused are heterosexual. Even though most people know this intellectually, there are a number of statements that convey a different feeling. “She’s not really lesbian, she’s just afraid of men because of what happened to her.” “She’s looking for safety, not sex.” “She really wants a mother, not a lover.”
These kinds of statements are based on psychological interpretations that can go both ways. May straight women really want a father, or are afraid of women, or want safety more than sex. No matter which way they’re directed, such statements are unverifiable, unhelpful, disempowering, and terribly simplistic.
The impact of sexual abuse is rarely simple. It is usually complex and depends on many variables, including the relationship with the abuser, parental reactions to the abuse, and the degree of emotional support available to the victim. Based on these factors, a woman who has experienced abuse may either feel helpless and isolated by her trauma, or empowered and able to connect with her chosen sexual partner.
Fact or fiction: The frequency of sex is not really important to most partnered lesbians.
Based on my professional experience and research, this seems completely false. In my 2007 online survey, 90% of the respondents said they thought regular sexual contact was important in a long-term relationship. When asked what they considered “regular,” most women said “at least every week or two.” In many conversations with these women, what I’ve heard is that sex is very important to them—even though they’re often disappointed about it. Couples who have gone for years without any sexual intimacy will say they feel frustrated, or inadequate, or pressured, or guilty about the issue. It’s clearly important, even if it’s not happening.
Sex therapist Barry McCarthy points out that sexual frustration can become the main focus for a troubled relationship. His research is done with heterosexual couples, but seems pertinent to all of us. What he notes is that happily married couples say sex is moderately important to their overall satisfaction with , each other. However, when couples are unhappy, sex can become the primary focus of their discontent—and the reason to leave the relationship.
I’ve really noticed this in my work. Very often, when I’ve asked women why they ended a relationship, the first thing they bring up is sexual frustration—a lack of sex, to be specific. And even though we may say “quantity is not quality,” the numbers are what people talk about: once a month, or once a year, or zero times in the past two years. I rarely hear complaints about the quality of sex when it happens—it just doesn’t happen enough. And based on my experience, sex seems very important to many women.
Fact or fiction: Once non-sex-related relationship problems are resolved, sexual attraction returns.
It’s obvious that many couples who aren’t having sexual intimacy with each other are also distressed about other issues: conflicts about money, housework, and family abound. And of course it’s hard to work on sexual intimacy when you’re fighting. Often, it’s the decrease in sexual intimacy that finally motivates couples to go to counseling so they can resolve these fights and conflicts. And very often, therapists and clients hope that resolving nonsexual concerns will lead to a spontaneous remission of sexual feelings with each other.
Usually, this doesn’t happen. Therapist David Treadway refrers to this as the “dirty little secret” of couple’s therapy: It doesn’t seem to help with sexual issues, even when it helps with everything else. After therapy, couples often report reduced conflict, improved communication, and greater intimacy in many ways…but not sexually.
It seems that couples who want to improve their sex lives need to talk specifically about sex. They may have to wait until their communication has improved, and they’ve reconnected with positive feelings for each other, but at some point they need to talk about how to improve their sexual relationship. Hoping for spontaneous remission is unrealistic.
So does this mean going to one therapist for couples’ counseling, and to another for specific sexual issues? That depends. If your concern is about a lack of sexual desire, or discrepancy in desire with your partner, a general couples’ therapist many help—under certain conditions. Are you comfortable talking about sex with your therapist? Does your therapist seem comfortable talking with you? Can you be graphic if you need to? Would you feel more comfortable being spec ific with someone who doesn’t know you as well as your current therapist? The important thing is to try to talk about it, and see how you feel afterward. And if you don’t feel good, try someone else.
If you want to talk specifically with a sex therapist, the website for the Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) provides a list of people in your area:http://www.assect.org. It would be important to ask a potential therapist how much experience they have with same-sex couples.
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Most of the statements covered in this chapter have to do with what is seen as “normal” or “common.” And knowing the answer to the question “Am I normal?” is valuable. But it’s not enough. Feeling normal reduces stigma and helps us feel supported, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hope for more, and we can’t rely on standards of normalcy to conduct our personal lives. If you or your partner responds to sexual concerns by saying “This is normal,” stop and consider these questions: How do I feel about this? How important is sexual intimacy to me? Is this good for me, and for us?
This is a very important point. Taken the wrong way, facts about “what’s normal” can lead us to resign ourselves to an unfulfilling situation. What if I leave her and everything we have together, and they just go through this all over again with someone else? If this is so normal, maybe I should just accept what I have an try to live with it. These are rationalizations for unhappiness. These are reasons to settle for less.
The problem with “normal” is this. Many things that are statistically normal aren’t good for us. For example, in the United States, it’s common to watch hours of television, to be sedentary, to eat poorly, and to hate your job. Few of us think these are good things.
In fact, if normalcy were the gold standard, we wouldn’t be in same-sex relationships at all—we’d be straight, like the vast majority of women.
Order your copy of Sexual Intimacy For Women: A Guide For Same-Sex Couples from Seal Press now.