Does “lesbian bed death” simply indicate that sex isn’t that important to many women? I don’t think so. On my 2007 survey of sexual patterns among women who partner with women, a striking contrast showed up: 92% said sexual intimacy was important in an ongoing, committed relationship. Many weren’t having sex, but almost everyone commented that sex can take a relationship to a deeper, more positive level.
While almost everyone thought sex is important, only 20% of the sample said they consistently plan time for sex. These Planners were the only women who were still sexually active after 10 years together. They were more positive about each other and their relationship, and made time for intimacy a priority. Non-planners had drifted into low- or no-sex relationships and expressed more dissatisfaction with each other.
This is a High Value, Low Priority problem. If sex is not important to you, no problem–but if it is, why aren’t you making it a priority by setting aside time for intimacy?
Planning for sex sounds awkward and contrived, until you think about what you did when you first started dating. You spent days planning what to do, where to go, what to wear, how to charm her. The planning itself , the “24-hour foreplay” stirred up loving, sexual , excited feelings You made this a high priority, and it resulted in something wonderful. That’s when values and priorities are in sync!