Author Archives: Glenda Corwin

At the beginning of a new year we often think about what to continue and what to quit.  Some things are no-brainers: too much drinking, smoking, and eating are bad for your health, so it would be good to quit.  But others are more complicated.  How do you know when to quit a relationship?  It’s not like you’re going to feel proud of yourself when you wind up feeling alone, guilty, and needy because you left your former partner…

It takes a lot of courage to make a major decision like that.  And usually this starts with the courage to do a serious reality check.  How well is this relationship working, for both of you?  How hard have you tried to make it better?  Are you taking responsibility for yourself, or just blaming her for your unhappiness?  Or are you swallowing a lot of your own feelings to avoid rocking the boat?

Often women talk about long, slow declines in emotional and physical intimacy, wondering for years if they should stay or go.  And this can go on indefinitely–unless, as often happens, a new woman arrives on the scene.  Then there’s the excitement about possibilities, a reminder of attractive alternatives.  Of course, this seems unfaithful and shallow–but it is human nature, for better or worse.

It’s hard to be alone, and it takes a lot of courage to face this without the added bonus of a new girlfriend.  But courage is something we all have, and can grow more.  There are many small, courageous steps that will help you make a good decision about leaving or staying.  You can talk to your partner about your unfulfilled dreams–or you can tell your friends, or your therapist.  You can do more of what you enjoy, and build on strengths your already know you have.  You can broaden your social networks and learn more about living as an individual, not just as a partnered person.

It’s a process, figuring out what expands your life and deepens your loving relationships.  And it always starts with claiming your courage.

Lately “I’m not ready yet” has been coming up a lot. I’ve heard it–and said it myself-many times, and of course it usually makes sense. Everyone need time to let wounds heal, get re-oriented to new situations, settle in after upheavals. But when does “healing” become “hiding out?” How do you discern what’s truly in your best interests, in the big picture of your life?

You’ll hear it about eating, drinking, and smoking habits: I know if I get back on my program I’ll stop this self-destructive behavior, but I’m not ready yet. And also, about starting new, prosocial behaviors: I know I’ll feel better when I expand my social group, but I’m not ready yet.

Obviously, we’re all different when it comes to how rapidly we take on big changes. Some people like to gather a lot of information, learn the details, and calculate the outcome probabilities. They’re very careful. and can spin in circles indefinitely. Others dive in recklessly and get repeated injuries. So how do you find that balanced center, where you are vulnerable enough to connect enough?

Maybe you could start with savoring what seems to be going well in your life, where you feel full and okay enough (nothing is perfect!) That’s important to acknowledge–there’s probably a lot that you’re doing well, so appreciate and enjoy this. You made it happen!

Then you can see what’s missing for you, what you want more of –when you’re ready. And be careful to be gentle about this. Saying you want something when you don’t have it can be painful–but saying you don’t want it is being inauthentic, and that can twist you around a lot more. It’s what we call “sour grapes” and it’s not really good for human development!

What is good for all of us, I think, is to stretch toward expansion, being a little more open to others, a little more vulnerable, taking little chances. Please note the word “little.” Scaring yourself out of these tasks isn’t going to help! If you’ve ever had a physical injury from exercising too hard or too fast you know what I mean…easing into it is the way to go.

So when you’re saying “I’m not ready” maybe ask yourself–Ready for what? A first small step that would take me in that direction? That seems more likely that the terrifying dives most of us contemplate when we’re feeling unready.